Oncologists Responding to Grief

JAMA Network | Archives of Internal Medicine | Invited Commentary—Oncologists Responding to Grief: The practice of oncology can be stressful. While some stress can be motivating and challenging, in its extremes, stress can lead to emotional exhaustion, depersonalization, and self-perception of incompetence, all of which are considered hallmarks of burnout.

Stress and burnout should not be confused with grief. Grief is deep mental anguish arising from loss. Since death and loss are intrinsic aspects of oncologists' practice, grief is common, whether it be over the physical absence of a patient or the more abstract surrender of a meaningful joint struggle. Unaddressed grief over time can clearly contribute to burnout, which is an occupational hazard for physicians in general and oncologists in particular.

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How to Write a Good Sympathy Card

How to Write a Good Sympathy Card | Counseling One Another: "Since my mother’s death, two years ago this past Saturday, I have radically altered the way I write in sympathy cards. I now know more fully the pain that death brings into our lives and, having received so many impacting words of comfort from others, am convinced I will never write in a card the same way I did before."

Related:

• How to be a miserable comforter
• The comforting power of quiet presence

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Grief: Quotes from Dr. Alan Wolfet

"One must grieve well and mourn well so that they can once again live well and love well."

“But grief is not a disease. Instead, it is the normal healthy process of embracing the mystery of the death of someone loved. If mourners see themselves as active participants in their healing, they will experience a renewed sense of meaning and purpose of life."

Shared by Karla Boyer

Condolence notes and casseroles: How to help friends in mourning

Condolence notes and casseroles: How to help friends in mourning. - By Meghan O'Rourke and Leeat Granek - Slate Magazine: Asked what would have helped them with their grief, the survey-takers talked again and again about acknowledgement of their grief. They wanted recognition of their loss and its uniqueness; they wanted help with practical matters; they wanted active emotional support. What they didn't want was to be offered false comfort in the form of empty platitudes. Acknowledgement, love, a receptive ear, help with the cooking, company—these were the basic supports that mourning rituals once provided.

Giving comfort to hurting people

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). We tend to do better at rejoicing. Because we don’t like to feel pain, we tend to ignore others’ pain. But they need us to become the arms of Christ to them If we’re not there for them, who will be? Eternal Perspectives Ministries, page 5

Editor: Don't miss the list of helpful books and resources for grieving people that accompanies this article.

How to pray for grieving parents

Kristin Koning is a stay-at-home wife and mom to 5 children, 3 boys and 2 girls. She longs to see her three youngest -- Noah Scott, Joanna Claire, and Emilie Alyse -- again in heaven. She writes the "My Times . . . In His Hands" blog and compiled this list of what would not only be appropriate prayers specifically for her and her family, but also for other parents grieving the loss of a child who died during pregnancy or shortly after birth.

He is Risen Indeed!

O Death, Where is Thy Sting? O Grave, Where is Thy Victory?

The most important thing did not happen in Washington or London, in Athens or in Rome. Nor did it happen in Cairo or Beijing. It happened in Jerusalem. The women who ran from that empty tomb, from which a great stone had been rolled away, bore the good news. He is not here. He is Risen! That Good News is the foundation of all truth. . . . 

While critical temporal issues are important, they do not endure. Jesus does. He is both Lord of and central to human history. He was not the first person to rise from the dead. Remember the story of Lazarus? Dead four days, this beloved brother of Mary and Martha had been buried in Bethany. When Jesus came to them, they told him if he had only been there, their brother Lazarus would not have died. Jesus joined in the mourning of those who loved Lazarus. He wept. But then he called upon Lazarus to come out of the grave. Lazarus came back from the dead! . . .

But there is a difference between Lazarus and Jesus. Lazarus, we may assume, took full advantage of his second opportunity at life, but died again. Not Jesus. Jesus, who died for our sins, was raised from the dead to eternal life. And just as we believe not in Lazarus, but in Jesus, Christians too are promised that we will be raised to eternal life. . . .

Jesus is the cornerstone of our faith. The builders may have rejected Him, but we cling to our Savior, our faith, to the very hem of His garment. With Doubting Thomas, we say: "My Lord and my God!"

It is this Risen Lord who conquered sin and death that we may have life, and have it abundantly. Hallelujah!

Read this piece by FRC's Robert Morrison in full here.

Don't miss out on early bird registration

Early bird discounts for the LIFT Caregiver Conference end September 30. Save $5!

A treasured way to remember a loved one

Ruth TenBrink, LIFT Care Coordinator at Grandville Baptist Church, sent this along: "One of my patients a short time ago had been a widow for about a year. I noticed and commented on a quilt she had lying on her bed -- a very unique one, made of men's shirts, the squares complete with shirt-front parts including buttons & pockets (and the back of soft fleece). She said her children had made it for her, of her husband's shirts, after he had died. Comprised mostly of casual shirts -- including flannel -- she said it was a tangible reminder as well as a source of comfort to her daily as she used it for naps or when sleeping at night. What a great way to commemorate a loved one, memorializing their clothing into such a precious keepsake!"

Discussion forum on grieving: Loss of a parent and having a hard time

After my stepfather’s death, I immediately jumped into the caretaker role, making sure everyone had what they needed except me. I knew my Mother’s love of her life had just died and making sure she was ok was way more important then dealing with my loss. I guess I just stayed in that role and haven’t made my way through the rest of the grieving process. Join the discussion. CarePages

Get to Know: The Center for Loss & Life Transition

The Center for Loss is dedicated to "companioning" grieving people as they mourn transitions and losses that transform their lives. We help both mourners, by walking with them in their unique life journeys, and both professional caregivers and lay people, by serving as an educational resource and professional forum.

Get to Know: Music for the Soul

Shelly Beach recommended Music for the Soul on her Facebook page, Caring Journey. The site describes its purpose this way: "Music is the language of the heart, a universal language that speaks to all people, going places where words alone will not penetrate. It is also the language of the mind. Studies have shown that people remember 10% of what they’re told, 40% of what they read, and 90% of what they hear in music. By using the power of music and the innate responsiveness to it that God has built into our beings we can meet people at their point of need with messages that have the power to heal."

The Other Side of Sadness: What the New Science of Bereavement Can Tell Us About Life After Loss

We tend to understand grief as a predictable five-stage process of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But in The Other Side of Sadness, George Bonanno shows that our conventional model discounts our capacity for resilience. In fact, he reveals that we are already hardwired to deal with our losses efficiently—not by graduating through static phases. Good Reads

Get to Know: GriefShare

GriefShare is a friendly, caring group of people who will walk alongside you through one of life’s most difficult experiences. You don’t have to go through the grieving process alone. GriefShare seminars and support groups are led by people who understand what you are going through and want to help. You’ll gain access to valuable GriefShare resources to help you recover from your loss and look forward to rebuilding your life. There are thousands of GriefShare grief recovery support groups meeting throughout the US, Canada and in over 10 other countries. There’s one meeting near you! Sign up to receive daily emails for your season of grief.

The Steps of Coping With Grief

Guilt, sadness, anger, denial — these are just some of the emotions present during the grieving process. After a traumatic event, it's important to give your mind and body time to heal. Everyday Health

Related: When extended grief becomes depression

What’s “Normal” When It Comes to Mourning?

We each experience the loss of a loved one differently. Learn the depth of mourning and when you should consider seeking help to deal with your grief. Care Pages

LIFT Caregiver Summit: October 24

The 2009 LIFT Caregiver Summit will be held Saturday, October 24, at Grandville Bible Church in Grandville, MI. It will feature Rev. Ray Paget speaking on grief recovery and mourning, along with helpful workshops, networking opportunities, and resources. The cost is $25/person ($40/couple) and includes lunch and materials. To learn more, email Sharlene.

Layla's Legacy - A True Story About the Value of Life

Bethany Christian Services often gets involved in tough pregnancies with hearts and hands of compassion. This story about Layla is sure to encourage experienced champions of life and stoic pro-choice people of the power of love and the value of life. Layla's Story

‘Such a Beautiful Passing From This Life’

When Evelyn finally got to look around her apartment and see that she was finally there, she beamed. It was quite clear that she was greatly relieved and delighted to finally be home again. She drifted into a coma that afternoon. That night, it snowed in Missoula. Silently and anonymously, friends, fellow parishioners and an untold number of neighbors came up to Evelyn's door. Without disturbing anyone, they left burning candles on Evelyn's porch, candles that burned brightly in the falling snow. I had the sense that there was a community who wanted to help someone die. Missoula Demonstration Project

A Unique Journey

Something about the 15-week-old fetus didn't look right. Not certain what was wrong, the doctor began to run through a list of dire scenarios for the parents. His predictions proved to be correct, so should they have ended the pregnancy early? Read-Only, Print Version (use as a bulletin insert for your church!), Mike and Kristin's Full Story with Photos, Video shown at Noah's Memorial Service